Why Is My Child Angry?
Why Is My Child Angry? 3 Tips for helping your angry child. PLUS- a FREE webinar link to learn how to help your child with anger management.
Link to Anger Management FREE webinar: https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar
Why Is My Child Angry Transcript:
Welcome, parents, it’s Question and Answer day, and today we’re going to talk about your angry child and how to help them. Well, if you don’t know, my name is Kristina. I’m the founder of The Impactful Parent. Every week I come on and answer one of your questions that you submitted here, LIVE, and today we’re going to talk about our angry children. Let’s get to it.
And one of the things that I really want to point out first is that the biggest mistake that most parents make is thinking that anger is the problem. They want to eliminate the anger from their house and believe that by doing so, the problem is going to be solved. Well, it’s easy to fall into that wrong belief because anger is what we see. We can watch our kids stomp their feet and slam the door and yell and hit and storm off. But it’s no wonder that most parents think that anger is the problem because that’s what they see. But anger is actually not the problem. Anger isn’t even a primary emotion. Anger is a reactive emotion. Our children get angry because they have more underlying feelings happening. They don’t know how to deal with all of those feelings inside of their body.
Anger can be how children react when they’re nervous or insecure and a whole slew of other feelings. But most of the time, anger comes from being scared or from feeling helpless. Fear actually drives a fight or flight instinctual reaction in humans. When we’re scared, our reactive behavior can be anger, which is a fight. When you understand this, it’s no wonder that so many people right now are feeling angry, including our children. We’re all mad because we have lost a lot of control over what we can do in our own lives because of all the restrictions we have encountered through a virus! Many people are angry and want to rebel. Anger is a reactive feeling to that combination of those emotions. So, just like a volcano filling up with emotional lava, the temper explodes from the volcano. It is the anger that we see on the surface.
Now children have many insecurities, have more questions and fewer answers, and have more fears than most people in the world; because they are kids, they don’t have a lot of control over their lives. Somebody is usually dictating things for them. And this can bring a lot of feelings of helplessness. So I’m going to give you three tips today- but before I do that, I actually printed out this sheet here, and this gives you an example of what I was speaking of before. Anger is what we see, that’s the lava, and then you got all these other emotions down below. And we must understand that this is typically what is happening when we see anger. The other feelings are actually causing the anger.
Tip one: When you have a super angry kid, you want to help them identify what or who makes them feel so emotional. Sit down with your child and actually have a really good conversation about what’s going on. Ask them lots of questions. Don’t accept the answer, “I don’t know why I’m angry.” Keep asking questions and probing. Is something happening at school? Is there a person at school that you’re trying to avoid? Is it a subject matter that you’re really frustrated with? Are you not feeling adequate? What is happening, that is making you feel so emotional? Help your child identify the problem because sometimes they may not know. This is where, as parents, we have to continuously ask our children these questions and kind of probe at them and be like, “Hey, I need to know what is going on with you, what is happening that you are feeling like this. Are you hungry; that can make you angry. What need is not being fulfilled?”
Step two is going to be to help your child identify which emotions they are feeling. Is it pain and stress? Are they threatened? Are they tired? Are they scared? Do they feel shame? Are they worried? Are they jealous? That’s what you’re trying to figure out. What is it that’s happening that’s making the anger? You have to have to help your child do this. Many kids, especially if they’re younger, don’t have the vocabulary to really express themselves. Teaching your child feeling words is one of the best things that you can do from early on. Give them the language for different feeling words. What is the difference between happy and elated? And yeah, not just these more negative emotions but also positive emotions so they can really express themselves better. Give them the vocabulary they need to express themselves because it will help them not feel so frustrated when expressing their feelings to you. You can make it a game.
Step three is, help your child identify what they do not have any control over and where they can have some control. This is really important because a lot of times, kids only focus on what they don’t have control over, and there’s a lot. We have to be creative as parents and give them some control back. And where can you find that control? For example, right now, they may not have control over whether they are going to in-person or online schooling, or whether or not they can wear a mask? They can have some control over where in the house they get to do their school or maybe how their mask looks. Have your child focus on what they can control. It brings some of that power back to them, and then it starts making them feel a little bit better again. Teach that old saying, “You don’t always have control of what happens to you, but you do have control of how you react to it.” This is a fantastic life lesson that you can start teaching your child right now! Teach your child to find their controllable choice, and it will give them some power back. This small shift can create a domino effect for implementing emotional change in your child.
If any of this information resonated with you today, I have a behavior management course that helps children with anger management and teaches parents how to teach their children how to control their big emotions and change behaviors. It’s exhausting if you have a super angry kid. You know what I’m talking about! It is exhausting. But I’m here to tell you that you do not have to parent alone. This course can really help you. I’ll walk you through the step-by-step process that you need to teach your child how to control their emotions. Even more exciting is that through March 19, I have a special bonus that I’m giving out with this particular course, so I’m really excited about it. I also have a free webinar that you should absolutely check out! It’s absolutely free and gives you the eight-step process that you need to actually start working with your child and seeing change! Even if you pull out even just a couple of great tidbits from that free webinar, I think it’d be worth your time!
If you have a question for me for next week, please message me or email me at email@example.com. All submissions are anonymous, and maybe next week, I will pick your question to answer, right here live! Thanks, everybody, and have an amazing day. Until next time, you got this! I am just here to help.
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