Sex After Kids: Keeping your sex life alive

Kristina: Welcome impactful parents. Today we’re going to talk about how to keep your sex life alive after kids. I have a special, Azaria Menezes. Azaria is a sex and relationship coach that supports moms and couples to reignite that spark to their sexuality in the bedroom. Welcome, Azaria.

Azaria: Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited that we get to talk about such a juicy topic.

Kristina: Yes, it is, and it’s one that many people need help with. So, my first question to you is, how to keep the sex life alive when you’re feeling exhausted? That is the number one complaint that I hear from most parents, especially moms. By the end of the day, they are just too tired for sexy time.

Azaria: This is so common. A lot of people are too tired to have sex after a long day.  Let’s just normalize being tired and not wanting to have sex. It is a thing. BUT, there are also many ways to keep that spark alive in your bedroom. It’s important to find ways to eliminate those things that turn you off and find other ways to increase those things that really turn you on. I will give you a quick example. I cannot have sex when my room is really messy, and there’s baby stuff everywhere, and everything is a mess. I like to keep my bedroom very clean. I like to keep all the baby stuff out of the bedroom. I also love to bring flowers into the bedroom so that when I go in there, my bedroom is a sanctuary. It gives a little bit of energy and wakes me up.

Look at things that give you energy and make you feel less tired, so you can approach sex with your partner.

Kristina: I love that suggestion. I feel like a lot of parents make the mistake of letting their children invade the entire house. We don’t want to do that. It makes parenting even more exhausting. Everywhere you look, there is evidence of children and leave the parents with no break or place of their own. By allowing your child to be all over the house with their presence or even just their toys, you are giving your child a lot of power over you.  A bedroom is a place you want to keep sacred for yourself.

This brings me to my next question. I know a lot of partners do not have the same sex drive. This can be a big roadblock for couples. How would you help a couple that can’t seem to sync up their sex drive to want sex at the same time?

Azaria:  Absolutely. This is a common thing. It’s really hard to have your libidos match up all the time. Many parents feel they have no time to have sex.  Many factors can contribute to mismatched libidos, jobs, kids, and even hormonal imbalances.

Parents need to change their mindset. Instead, there are other ways to be intimate without penetrative sex. Take some time to think about what you do feel in the mood for. So instead of saying, Oh honey, I’m not in the mood for sex, what is it that you would love to do and still be intimate with your partner? How do you want to feel connected? Maybe that’s an important message? Find middle ground on something that you would like to experience together. It doesn’t have to be penetrative sex. Other juicy things can arouse you. Try getting naked and doing a hot, intimate, kissing session together. I know it is really easy to get into disconnection and a routine of not having sex. Many parents think I don’t really want to have sex, so they don’t have any intimacy. The routine of going to bed, watch Netflix together, and go to sleep, can destroy intimacy.  Remember that there are many other options. There are many options to support your partner’s pleasure and for your partner to support your pleasure in whatever capacity that feels yummy and delicious for you. Intimacy is important to keep alive, especially after having kids. Remember that connection and intimacy go hand in hand.

Kristina: I love that you brought up that sometimes hormones could throw things off. When I was breastfeeding my children, I did not want anybody touching me. I had to be touched all day long, and eventually, moms get touched out.  My hormones also made my libido non-existent.

The point is, many parents get touched out by the end of the day. Then, your significant other walks in the door, and they need a physical touch too. Some people have physical touch as their love language. Do you have any tips for somebody who’s touched out but has a partner that needs the physical touch?

Azaria: This is tricky. I’ve been there too.  I didn’t want anybody even breathing in my space.

What’s important is to prioritize time for yourself where you get to spend time with yourself to recharge. Self-care doesn’t have to take long. Create a non-negotiable time for yourself. One thing that you do every day, just for you. Usually, it’s good to do your recharge in the evening before you connect with your partner. Fill your tank, and then you will have the capacity to connect with your partner. Ask your partner for help with your recharge time.  If they know your intentions and benefit them, then many partners are happy to help.

Kristina:  Asking your partner for help can be difficult, but it is very important. I’m glad you mentioned it.

Can you give us suggestions for how we can connect with our partner?

Azaria: Yeah, absolutely. This is a great exercise that I give my clients.  I love doing it myself, which is a good way to feel great at the end of the day.

This exercise is called, What can I offer you? Ask your partner, What can I offer you? What can I do for you today that would make the day feel complete? Each person gets 10 minutes.  Maybe it’s a yummy foot massage? Perhaps they just want to share about their day? Maybe they want you to rub their back for 10 minutes? Offer your partner 10 minutes of your undivided attention, and then it is your turn. This is a beautiful way to connect at the end of the day. If you are intentional, frequently, all you need is 10 or 15 minutes at the end of the day to feel connected.

Kristina: 10 minutes feels manageable to me. I can give the person I love at least 10 minutes every day. That does not seem overwhelming or too much of a burden.

Azaria: A lot of the time, we don’t even ask ourselves what we need. We don’t take the time to close our eyes, slow down and connect with our partners. This exercise can be very nourishing.

Kristina: My last question to you is, how do you start conversations about sex, intimacy, and needs? How do you start talking about it with your partner?

Azaria: I recommend creating an intentional space to talk. Many times when we start conversations, our intentions are good, but the timing is off. Somebody is rushing out the door, or two people are in the middle of a fight when one says,  Oh yeah, And by the way, …

Creating an intentional space for a conversation when both people feel good can facilitate a better environment for communication. Say to your partner, I care about our relationship. I want to listen to your feelings around this, and I would love the opportunity to share my feelings too.

Kristina: How can the audience contact you if they want more help?

Azaria: You can find me on Instagram under @azariamenezes. There are tons of ways to work with me. My website is www.azariamenezes.com. I also have a very juicy podcast to increase your pleasure in relationships. It’s called Getting Intimate.  Come find me.

Kristina: Until next time, you got this, parents! We are just here to help.