I Caught My Teenager With Porn

“OH CRAP!”

When I caught my child watching porn, my heart sank. How long has this been going on? Did someone show him this, or did he stumble upon it? How am I going to block this? And crap- now I must have another uncomfortable conversation with my kid. UGH!

Hello, my name is Kristina Campos. I am the founder of the Impactful Parent. Every week, I give you parenting videos to help your parenting journey. If you have a particular topic or parenting question about your school-aged child that you would like me to address, please submit it at [email protected] or by messaging me on social media. All submissions are kept anonymous. 

Today, I am talking about porn. You will have to talk about porn, too, eventually. Impactful parents can’t avoid it because our children can’t avoid it either. You can be a naïve parent and think everything will be okay because you have parental control and an innocent child. But research shows that 73% of teens saw porn before age 17. More than half of the kids that have seen before age 17 reported first seeing porn before age 13! This is why parents must understand the harmful impact of pornography on kids, have a plan for discussing porn with children, and even a game plan for keeping porn away from their children for as long as possible. So that’s what I will address today on this episode of The Impactful Parent. Let’s get started!

Why Is Pornography Bad for the Adolescent Brain?
Pornography, although easily accessible in the digital era, can have detrimental consequences on the young and impressionable adolescent brain. Here are a few key reasons why parents should be concerned:

1. Distorted Perception of Sexuality: Exposure to explicit content may lead to unrealistic expectations and distorted views of healthy relationships and consensual sexual encounters. Children can develop an inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
2. Emotional and Psychological Effects: Frequent exposure to pornography can desensitize an individual, potentially hindering their ability to form meaningful connections and fostering unrealistic expectations.
3. Increased sexual behaviors: A curiosity to try oral sex, anal sex, and group sex.
4. Addiction Potential: Pornography consumption can become addictive over time, leading to dependency and an unhealthy preoccupation with sexual fantasies, potentially interfering with academic performance, social activities, and overall mental well-being.
5. Insecurities: Girls tend to get body image insecurities, and boys get insecure about their sexual performance.

Strategies to Engage in Open Conversations about Pornography:
Recognizing the need for dialogue and education, here are a few strategies for parents to consider when discussing pornography with their children:

1. Establish a Safe and Non-Judgmental Environment: Create an atmosphere where children feel comfortable discussing their questions and concerns without fear of punishment. No teasing, laughing, talking around the subject, or turning your eyes away. I know this may be uncomfortable for you, but if you act uncomfortable with your body language even though your words say, “You can talk to me.” Your child still won’t believe you are in a safe place. PRACTICE looks natural if you have to. Give yourself a pep talk before hand. Whatever you need to do to be approachable.
2. Start Talking About Healthy Relationships Early: Begin age-appropriate conversations about what a healthy relationship looks like, consent, and sexuality from an early stage. This will open the door for further discussions about explicit material when right.
3. Make your expectations clear: Children with access to cellphones or other devices with cameras need to know your rules about taking photos and videos. You need to tell your child point blank that it is not OK for them to take pictures or videos of their or anyone else’s private parts. Explain to your child that this is a LAW and that no one should ever ask them to give out nude photos.
4. Stay calm and ask questions: This is the most challenging part if you ask me. Maybe you want to ask your child where they found their porn. Perhaps you want to ask them how long this has been going on? Or maybe you want to ask your child how it made them feel? No matter what you ask, it would be best to be prepared for their answer and not overreact. Also, be sure to ask their most important question: Do you have any questions for me? This will show your child that you are open to discussion and are a place where they can come get answers.

1. Explain the difference between what they saw and real life: Your child doesn’t know the difference yet, so you must explain it. Suppose the only sex they have seen or experienced is porn. In that case, they already have a skewed view of what sex is, how it starts, how long it lasts, the roles people play, what is pleasurable and what is not, and what intimacy really is. A parent needs to step in and set things straight or give them a different perspective.
2. Encourage Critical Thinking: Teach children to critically analyze media and question portrayals of sex and relationships they encounter online. Please encourage them to consider the differences between fantasy and reality.
3. Make your child feel normal: Make sure your child knows that sexual curiosity and sexual feelings are normal. (You may want to take this opportunity to also talk about masturbation.) Let your child know that they aren’t feeling anything wrong.
4. Repeat the conversation: You cannot have this conversation once and let it go. You must revisit this conversation throughout adolescence if you want it to stick.

The bottom line is that you can’t avoid this conversation, so you need to prepare for it.

Advice on Preventing Children from Consuming Pornography:
While open communication is vital, proactive measures can also help mitigate the chances of children accessing pornography:

1. Establish Internet Safety Rules: Set clear guidelines on Internet usage and implement parental controls and filters to block as much inappropriate content as possible.
2. Warn your child: As soon as you give your child a phone or computer, tell them about porn so THEY know that YOU know it’s out there and something they can talk to you about.
3. Tell them what you want them to do: Many parents forget this step. What do you want your child to do when they come across porn? Do you want them to report it to you? Do you want them to ignore it? If you don’t tell your child what to do, they will watch the porn out of curiosity and fill in the blanks with their own narrative. Be specific with your expectations.
4. Monitor Online Activities: Regularly check your child’s browsing history, social media interactions, and online contacts. Encourage healthy digital habits while respecting their privacy. In addition, make rules around electronics that would discourage watching porn. For example, no computers in the bedroom. No electronics after 9pm. No chat rooms.
5. Encourage Healthy Hobbies and Engagement: Foster meaningful offline activities and ensure children access enriching experiences that capture their interest and keep them occupied.
6. Teach Critical Media Literacy: Equip children to differentiate between explicit material and content that aligns with their values and aspirations.

Addressing the issue of pornography is a challenging task for parents. By understanding the potentially harmful effects of pornography on the adolescent brain, initiating open conversations, and implementing preventive measures, parents can empower their children to make informed decisions and navigate a healthy path toward adulthood.

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 But until next time, you got this, parents. I am just here to help.