Parenting: How does birth order matter in your family?

hey, Impactful parents, today is a gonna be a different episode, as I am switching things around and trying to find a new voice for this podcast. If you haven’t heard this last episode, I talked a little bit about that, but today, I am embarking on that journey. I’m considering naming it something like inside my head or where it’s inside my head. I don’t know if this is going to be quite the journey, and I know it’s going to be stumbling, but I’m glad you’re here with me through this; I am going to be starting to answer questions that are just kind of random, and the first question that is for today is, how did your birth order impact your upbringing? And I’m not making up these questions. They’re coming to me through a software program I purchased, which just asked me random questions about life. And I thought that this one was actually kind of interesting because we know that birth order matters in upbringing, right? We know through studies that you know firstborns, middle children, and younger children, and how did that affect you? But as we start talking about getting inside my head and you getting to know me better, all of that is thrown out the window with me, because I do have a sibling, but my sibling is 10 years older than me, so I’m hardly a middle child. I am definitely the youngest child. And at the same time, I’m kind of more like, Yeah, an only child than anything else because I grew up mainly alone; having said that, his relationship with me has been completely different, so I wanted you to think about that. How does your birth order impact your upbringing? And let’s get inside my head and learn more about who I am. I Yes.

Well, my brother Matt, 10 years older. And our upbringing was completely different. My brother grew up with poor parents, parents who were struggling to get by. My mom worked full time, and my dad was trying to get through college, which, by the way, he was the first to go to college and his family. So he was treading new paths that no one else had taken. He had no guidance from his parents, saying you should go to school. They were migrant workers, and they never thought about going to college. I’m not even too sure how my dad got that idea in his head. I’m sure happy that he did because it completely elevated the rest of our family, including me, right? Because he went to college, and then it was expected that we all go but

my brother grew up with these poor parents, I mean, barely had money to do anything, and me, on the other hand, 10 years later, now my dad is an established teacher, and granted teaching does not to pay a million dollars, but he had a stable job. My mom worked full time too, and we were a middle class family by the time I was older and growing and so I was the kid who got to go on vacations with my parents and went to different parts of the world, I remember my brother being extremely jealous that I got to go to Hawaii for my parents wedding anniversary. Now, in reality, I just don’t think they wanted to leave their teenage daughter at home. They probably didn’t trust me, most likely a good call, but it didn’t even occur to me at the time that my brother had never gotten anything like that. And I had a great time in Hawaii with my parents, and it was awesome to go on a vacation with them, especially to plays like that. But he didn’t get that kind of thing. So that’s one way that our birth order impacted our upbringing is that my brother and I, even though we grew up in the same household, didn’t have things that we found similar. We didn’t have that commonality with each other, like so many other siblings do, like my own children, right? Like having said that, I think that my oldest son, Cortez, and my youngest Naya, they’re 10 years apart also, and I see the distance that they have. And I see Cortez really trying to forge a relationship with his little sister, with all of his siblings, but you know, with his little sister, he sees that he’s not quite as close to her because of that age gap, because of everything I was just talking about, that they just did not grow up during the same time period, you know? And that’s hard, because my brother has these fond memories of me growing up. He remembers me being born. He remembers teaching me how to walk. He remembers, you know, just what I was learning to ride my bike, and all the things, right? I don’t remember any of that. I don’t remember, you know, I was way too young, not to mention that I have a really crappy memory, and that’s why I document a lot like I’m doing right now, but I don’t remember that, so I don’t have the bonds that forge us together the same way that he does, and that makes a huge difference. I see that now with Cortez Anaya, that he’s trying really hard, but Naya is in her own world, still growing and Cortez, my oldest grew up with two parents and in the same household where My youngest is growing up in a divorced household, not even really the same house, although it is. I mean, we’re still together, and our parent, you know, they see their dad all the time, and I’m still mainly doing all the parental stuff as I had always done, even when Cortez was little. So but even me, I’m a different mom. I’m a different mom to Cortez than I was to than I am to Nia right now. And I’m sure my own parents are the same way. I’m sure that they were different to my brother. Probably had to say no, quite more often. Probably didn’t have the opportunity to spend nearly as much time with him, growing up where I felt like, especially my dad, was around quite a lot. He was a teacher. So, like I said, and it’s summers off, and I remember spending summers with my dad. I

don’t you know it’s it’s just that it’s different, that birth order really does impact, and I can see it now too, even in my own kids. And I really hope that Nya, as she grows my youngest, will come to a time where she can lean in to maybe her relationship with her older siblings, even though it’s scary for her and they’re so seems they to her, seem twice removed. I hope, I hope that she can open up to that, and it’ll be about her doing that, because I think the older siblings will already open up. They already see her as a sibling, because they remember everything. So that’s one way that birth order has impacted my upbringing. I would say another thing is, again, I’m the youngest, and with the youngest, I did have some of the youngest kind of experiences. I bet my parents were more lenient with me, like they usually are with younger children. I was the girl I have a brother, so I think that also plays into everything, right? I try really hard not to treat my boys different than my girls, but I’m human, and things just are. I can’t I can’t help the traditionalist inside of me to come out. And what I mean by that is, I’m very, still very traditional. I still enjoy woman roles as a woman, so I still think it’s my responsibility to take care of the children, make the dinners, clean the house, and do the things that are stereotypically for girls to do. Now, as a single mom, I’ve learned how to do some of the more masculine things that I wish I didn’t have to, but I do, for example, shoveling the snow, taking care of the outside of the house, mowing the lawn, but I notice that my that part of me of being so stereotypical with these stereotypes of chores I do Lean that into my kids. My boys are required to shovel when it snows, because I’m here in Colorado, and I rarely ask my daughter, the youngest, to come out there and shovel with us. That doesn’t mean I don’t give her responsibility while we’re shoveling. It’s usually she has to take care of something else inside the house, but it’s just the way that I can’t help myself. And she doesn’t seem to complain. Actually, the boys don’t really either. They kind of take it on as this is our role and what we do. And I’ve appreciated that a lot with my kids, that they rarely question some of the decisions I make and how I ask them to do things. So grateful for that. Actually, I

Yeah, so I guess I prompt you to think about, how did your birth order impact your upbringing, also, as you’re listening to this,

you know, and how, how is the birth order affecting their own children? Because it really does matter. And I think if we can take all that and put it in perspective, we can understand each other a little bit better,

just the way, I understand that my brother wants a relationship with me, and I probably should take the time to call him a little more often, but I also know that my brother has my back. If I needed him, he would be there in a second.

And I’m so grateful for that because we are bonded despite how far apart in age.

My parents or the universe, God, whatever you know, did something right where I know I can rely on him when push comes to shove. We may not always agree, and my brother is very stubborn but opinionated.

That’s okay. He helped me when I needed it. And, you know, isn’t that what siblings are for? One of the things that I found very profound is that the sibling relationship is the only one in your life that carries your entire upbringing with you. When you have children, they’re not there with you forever. They grow, and they leave the house, and then they’re gone. Your spouse, you don’t typically meet until you’re an adult, so you spend the first half of your life not with that person. Your parents will grow old and die, but your siblings, your siblings, are there with you the longest, and if you can forge a relationship with your siblings, then you have one of the most amazing gifts to have somebody there who knows you from the time that you were a child to the time that you’re ready to retire. That’s a gift. And as a parent, if I can pass that on if I can cultivate and nurture the relationships between my children so that they can build that type of bond. Well, that’s my goal, and I hope that’s your goal, too, because I think that’s a gift you’re giving your kids, and it’s not always easy. I get it, you know, they fight, they argue, oh my gosh, I can’t, don’t even get me into Cortez and Cody. They are opposites, and the struggle was very real as they were growing up, as I was battling, daily, hourly, some days with trying to keep them separate, trying to get them not to kill each other, just to have a peaceful household. But

I hope that I made some good moves in the end so they can find their way to each other as adults. I think as parents, we just try to create the space for them and like and nurture and foster the relationship. But when push comes to shove, it’s really about those individuals. They have to make a choice. My kids will have to choose whether or not they want to invest time into a relationship with their sibling. I need to choose to invest time in a relationship with my brother because we can’t control other people. All we can do is open the door and hope that they see it and want to walk through it, but that’s our job as parents. You really believe that, and then the rest is up to them. I hope they make that choice. And maybe one of my New Year’s resolutions from here will be to, you know, maybe reach out to my brother a little bit more. Although I have a good relationship with him, it could use improvement. I definitely could see him more often, talk to him more often, do more things with him, you know. And when you’re thinking about that, like, what do you? What am I going to do? My brother loves fishing, and I actually love fishing. Stereotypically, I’m not supposed to love fishing because I’m a girl, right? But

I love fishing. I love fly fishing, lake fishing, and ice fishing. My brother is a pretty, pretty awesome fly fisherman, and I need to make time to go fly fishing with him more often. It’s an activity that we both love, and although I don’t want to burden him by making him detangle, and, you know, I want him to be able to fish, and I feel like when I’m with him, he’s just babysitting me, just like old times, right? Because that’s his role as an older brother, he cares for his little sister. I try not to play the victim too much, but I just need to be a bit more proficient in my fly fishing so he doesn’t feel like he has to take care of me. And I think we can really forge something there. And so I ask, you know, what do you do? What can you do to forge a better relationship with your sibling and foster those relationships with your own kids?

Here’s my thought for the day, and it all came from the question: How did your birth order impact your upbringing?

Thanks for getting inside my head today.