How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!
How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!
It is Question and Answer LIVE and today’s question was: How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!
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Transcript for How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging! :
How to get your teen to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!
This week’s question is: How do I get my teenager to do the small stuff when they are doing all the big stuff right? For example, my son gets good grades in school and is generally a good kid. Still, I am constantly nagging him to pick up his clothes (and picking up his dirty socks from all over the house is just the beginning.) Please help.
Isn’t this a great question this week! I know I have been there too. I hate nagging my kids and feeling like I am on their butt all the time. I especially like this question because the parent acknowledges that her son is smart, capable, and generally a good kid; therefore, I sense some guilt in her nagging. She knows that her son makes good choices outside of the home and is mainly getting frustrated that she doesn’t see that behavior inside the home with simple tasks.
Today, I will give you 3 tips for stopping the nagging and getting your child to do the small stuff.
Tip number 1: Figure out what your teen loves and use that to your advantage.
Your teenager is inherently selfish. Not because they are trying to be, necessarily, but because teenagers are actually wired that way. They don’t have all of their brain parts working on full cylinders yet, and mother nature compensates that by making their first instinct to do what is best for them. What I mean is, your teen is constantly asking themselves, “What is in it for me?” If picking up socks doesn’t enhance their own life, they will have little motivation to do it, and this goes for everything else you’re probably asking them to do at home. Your teenager does not regard making your life easier as being something of value to them.
The solution to this problem is making your requests have value and weight. Unfortunately, this usually comes in the form of withholding what they want to do until you get what you need them to do done. In other words, start implementing this phrase, “You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do.” By repeating this statement repeatedly to your teen and ingraining that phrase into their brain- you will also be teaching them a valuable life lesson. Adulthood is full of “You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do.” In fact, if you have a child doing most of life right outside of the home, it is because they already know and have internalized this lesson in the school setting but refuses to accept it at home because you, the parent, probably haven’t reinforced it enough.
To reinforce this lesson, you need to:
- Find out what your child cares about and get motivated to do? Is it going out with friends? Spending time on YouTube or gaming? Going to soccer?
- You need to sit down with your child and tell them that from this day on, the rules are changing. Tell your child that you are tired of nagging at them. Tell them that you don’t want to be that parent that nags all the time. Tell them that there are certain responsibilities they need to do around the house as being a part of the family household. These chores and expectations should be laid out verbally or even in writing. Tell them exactly what you need from them. For example, I need you to NEVER leave your socks around the house. I don’t ever want to see one of your dirty socks lying around the living room. Be very explicit with your directions. They can’t read your mind or your passive-aggressive hints.
- Once all the expectations are laid out on the table, tell them the consequences of not doing what you asked. For example, every time I find a sock lying around the house, I am going to take 10 minutes off of your electronics time, OR I am going to start making you do your own laundry, OR you will be required to vacuum the living room before I allow you to go to basketball practice.
- And step for is truly falling through with your consequences. If you tell your child that he has to vacuum before basketball practice, then take his keys to the car, call the basketball coach, and tell him that your son will be late. You don’t need to excuse him from basketball, but follow through with the consequence.
By ingraining the phrase, “You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do,” you are teaching your child that completing chores equals getting privileges. You just need to be consistent with it and follow through. Lastly, consider that you don’t always have to take away stuff to motivate a child. You can also provide incentives for doing what you want or even use a combination of the two. Take away privileges if they don’t listen and reward them if they do- can be a powerful strategy to make results happen for you quicker.
Tip #2- Give them a window of time to get your requests done.
Many parents make the mistake of demanding their older children do what they ask right here and right now. But, if your teen feels like they are being strong-armed into doing your requests’ only your way,’ or ‘on your timetable,’ then they won’t be motivated to do what you want. Your growing young adult needs some space to do things their way too. Your child is searching to gain their independence, and your demands can feel belittling to them. And just as you might feel if your boss didn’t give you any leeway to do your job, your teen will begin to resent you if you always demand things on your timetable. The good news is, this is an easy fix! Just give your child a time frame for completing the task you want. For example, please pick up your socks before dinner or please pick up your stuff from the living room within the next 2 hours.
And lastly, Tip #3- Change your expectations.
Pick and choose your battles. You may want to start with just the socks and be consistent with your consequences for the socks first before you try implementing all the little things your child might be annoying you with. Sometimes it’s better to tackle things little by little to see more long-lasting results. If you try and get your child to shift their way of thinking by implanting 5 new rules, you can get some significant push back. But the same child might find your one smaller request more manageable to deal with and start complying with less resistance. Then once that new request becomes the new norm, you can start implementing more requests.