Supporting Bisexual Teens When They Come Out

My Teenager is Bisexual

Your teen came out as bisexual, and now you feel like a deer in headlights. You knew it was a thing with kids nowadays, but you didn’t see this coming.

How you feel is not uncommon! We are the first generation of parents learning to navigate how to parent the LGBTQ teen. In past generations, most LGBTQ kids didn’t feel comfortable coming out. Today, more and more kids publicly identify with the LGBTQ community.

Hello, my name is Kristina Campos. I am the founder of the Impactful Parent. Every week I give you parenting videos that can help you in your parenting journey. If you have a particular topic or parenting question about your school-aged child that you would like me to address, please submit it at [email protected] or by messaging me on social media. All submissions are kept anonymous. 

As a parent, it’s hard to know how to support your child when they come out as bisexual. After the initial shock wears off, AND if you choose to take the supportive path of parenting, I want to help you navigate what support might look like. You may have many questions running through your head, but you can do this- even if you still feel like your child is going through a phase or you have no clue how to move forward. Supporting your bisexual child doesn’t have to be complicated.

How to support your bisexual teen: Be there for them.

            You might have a million questions running through your head, but the best thing you can do right now is listening. You can ask your teen questions but don’t make any comments back. Just listen. Ask questions to LISTEN and NOT to respond. It is essential to hold back from going into “fix it” mode. If your child is bisexual and you’re struggling with this, that’s ok. If you’re not sure what to say, keep it simple. You can be supportive and understanding by listening to them without judgment, asking how they feel, and letting them know you are there for them. Be careful not to project your own fears onto your child. Instead, understand your child’s feelings, so be a good listener and let them know you care.

Supporting Bisexual Teens When They Come Out

How to support your bisexual teen: Create a safe space at home.

Not all teenagers will be proud of their bisexuality, even if they put up an exterior front of confidence. It’s essential to create a safe space for expression in your home. If you don’t make this safe space, your child will learn that expressing themselves at home is taboo and soon your child will “put on a facade at home,” and secrets will start piling up.

To create a safe space for communication and expression at home, you need to create a home that is judge free. That means you can’t tease your child about their sexuality, nor can you say things like, “This is just a phase,” or say negative things about anyone in the LGBTQ community. No sly comments or even stank-eye, judgmental expressions on your face. Not creating a supportive and safe space environment at home will cause your child to pull away from your relationship with them. In the end, unsupportive parents may cause serious mental health issues in their children. In the long run, your child may never feel comfortable living authentically as themselves, which could result in depression or other mental health issues due to a lack of self-acceptance!

Supporting Bisexual Teens When They Come Out

How to support your bisexual teen: Understand that bisexuality isn’t a choice.

Can you help it that you’re heterosexual? It’s not your choice to see a beautiful person of the opposite sex and feel attracted to them. It is just how our body responds automatically. Your child is the same. They can’t help it. It’s a part of your child’s identity, and they shouldn’t have to explain this to anyone.

I will say that sexual curiosity and exploration are also natural and part of adolescent development. Sexual attraction can be fluid, meaning it may shift and change with life experiences; however, don’t mistake these preferences for a phase. We all have different paths in understanding our sexuality and gender identity, which makes it important for parents to remember that these things take time.

How to support your bisexual teen: Ask your child what support looks like to them.

The most common mistake parents make when trying to support their child is guessing what support is. We inventory what we have seen on TV and our life experiences, and GUESS what we think support looks like.

Don’t assume that what you do will come off as supportive in your child’s eyes. Your child will likely have real, concrete expectations about what support looks like to them, and you need to ask them to tell you. Is it using new pronouns? Is it helping them tell the extended family? Is it going to pride parades with them? Is it keeping their sexuality a secret? YOU DON’T KNOW how your child wants you to support them until you ask them, “What does support look like to you? If you had everything your way, what kind of things should I do (as your mom or dad) moving forward?”

Supporting Bisexual Teens When They Come Out

How to support your bisexual teen: Set new house rules and boundaries.

Now that you know your adolescent is bisexual, you may want to review your household rules around sleepovers and friends at the house when you are gone. A heterosexual teenager may have house rules about not having a friend of the opposite sex in their room with a closed door. Parents might also have to tweak the house rules moving forward. Set clear boundaries for behavior. This means establishing what behaviors are acceptable at home and which aren’t. I have found that when parents ignore changing the rules, then teens interpret this as the parent being biased, in denial, or contradictory. Stay consistent with your rules and expectations. Change the rules in your home if you feel it is necessary to keep consistency. Along these same lines, don’t assume that all of their friends are gay or straight, even if they are all from the same gender group.

How to support your bisexual teen: Remember that this is who they are now.

Will their sexuality change over time? Maybe. Maybe not. They’re still young and finding out about themselves, so don’t assume anything about who they might end up with or how long their relationships last – or if they want one at all. They may change their minds or experiment with different people during their teenage years. A bisexual teen might date guys and girls in the future, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t bisexual now! It’s better to support your child than try to force them into a box you’ve decided is best.

Don’t try to change them or make them straight. This is likely going to hurt your relationship. You can ask questions about how they see themselves, but trying to plant your own agenda onto your child is a bad idea. They need to discover themselves on their own. Trust me, your child already knows what you think about bisexuality. Kids are smart; if you push your agenda, you may push your child away.

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 But until next time, you got this, parents. I am just here to help.