What I Learned From Being Bullied
What I Learned From Being Bullied. An interview with Chris Burcher talks about the lasting effects of bullying and how to overcome it.
Transcript of interview What I Learned From Being Bullied:
Kristina: Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent’s, Inspire and Learn series where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people’s mistakes. So today we’re going to learn from our guest speaker, his name is Chris Bircher. Chris will tell us his personal story of being bullied and what he learned from the experience, plus he will give parents tips for supporting their own bullied children.
Chris: Thank you for having me. It’s my pleasure.
Kristina: I want to hear your story. What’s your experience with bullying?
Chris: I was bullied a lot as a kid. I was a small kid. I was a scrawny kid. Do you remember the feed the world programs with Suzanne Somers? Apparently, I looked like those little Ethiopian kids, and my friends actually called me Ethio. That made me an easy target. And I was a sensitive kid and a shy kid. On the playground, I’m the kid the bullies would go after. I had weird nicknames. I dressed funny. I used to like California fashion, and I was in Georgia. That didn’t go well. I was always a little different. I was naive. I was constantly ridiculed and called names. The bullying ended eventually when I went through a growth spurt and got taller as a teen, but the scars were already there. I felt like something was wrong with me. I thought something about me attracted this because I was a bad person or something. I carried that with me through adulthood, so it’s important for me to share about it today and hopefully help others.
What I Learned From Being Bullied
Kristina: Speak to me a little more about the long-term effects of the bullying you’ve experienced.
Chris: Well, the big one is shame. It was shameful to be bullied. When I was growing up, being a bully was even rewarded. It was masculine to bully. Now, we understand the damage that can be done by being mean to others. Too late for me, though. I carry my damage around with me. For a long time, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t deserve things that other people had, for some reason. I was less and an outcast. Those thoughts from being bullied became part of me. Now, I’ve learned how to leverage those feelings into uniqueness. I am curious and creative. Being a shy person makes me a sensitive person and makes me very empathetic. If you called somebody empathetic in 1975, it was probably an insult, but today it’s an attractive quality. My wife is attracted to me, in part because I’m an empathetic person. Today, I love myself because of the qualities that made me a target. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years to undo the damage.
Kristina: Did you ever try to stand up for yourself?
Chris: No, that’s a great question because I think about this all the time. If I had a son, I would tell him to stand up for himself because I wonder what if I had just fought back? I thought of fighting back when I was young, but I never did. Instead, I decided I was going to be a pacifist. Gandhi was in the news, and so I knew what a pacifist was. I found a model, but I always wondered, What if I would have fought back? How might that have changed my life? Another part of the baggage I carry is weak boundaries. I’m codependent. But I wonder if standing up for myself would have made me a different man today.
Kristina: It’s interesting that you, as an adult self, can go back and look at that young self and see where some of these adult traits came from. You can identify that you have weak boundaries. You have had a lot of personal growth and insightfulness due to your experiences. I’m glad you’re learning from them and grow from them.
Chris: Yes, I would encourage every child to get help from an adult they trust as soon as possible. Reach out to someone and tell them what is happening. Although I have turned my experiences into good, I would encourage kids to get help ASAP and not wait until adulthood to deal with the problem.
Kristina: What would you say to the child who is getting bullied today and asking YOU for help?
Chris: That’s an excellent question, and I’ve thought about it a lot. Well, the first thing I would tell a child is that this is NOT about you. This is about the bully. This bully is someone who does this because they’re hurt. They’re hurting inside, and they’re not able to connect with their emotions. They’re not emotionally healthy. They’re taking this out on you.
What I Learned From Being Bullied
Now let’s talk about you. You’re getting picked on because you have all of those characteristics, personality traits, and mental health that the bully doesn’t have. The bully sees something in you that they want, and they can’t have it, or they don’t understand it. The bully is jealous of you, and so they’re taking this out on you. Now, what you have is the ability to navigate this. You will heal from this experience. You will grow up to be a better person because of it. You might not know it, but you have the skills to incorporate this into your life as something positive. It feels really bad right now, but you can turn this into something that will benefit you throughout the rest of your life. Also, consider that the bully probably comes from a bad home life. Think about what it’s like for this person at home and develop empathy for them. Think about what it must be like to come home to your parents fighting every day or to no food in the house or not have a ride to school or people who beat you or parents who don’t love you. Now compare that life to how you feel. I know it feels bad, but your bully is likely going through something worse.
Kristina: I love the empathy that you’re trying to instill into the child. You’re absolutely right. A majority of bullies are actually in a lot of pain themselves. They try to gain control in an area because they don’t feel like they have control elsewhere. Bullies typically feel chaotic and out of control somewhere in their life that is important to them. To compensate for these feelings, the bully will find a way to control a different aspect of their life. Unfortunately, it comes out in being a bully.
Kristina: If somebody resonates with your story and wants to contact you, how would they get ahold of you?
Chris: I have a podcast where I talk about a lot of different issues. Check that out, and you can find information on the podcast and how to reach me at www.chrisburcher.com
Kristina: Thank you so much for being here. You have a lot that you can contribute!
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