How to reconnect with your son or daughter

It feels like we don’t even talk anymore.

My daughter hates me.

I do not know what happened. One day we were great, and the next day they turned into a teenager and started ignoring me.

 

If you can resonate with any of those comments, you’re not alone. These are common things I hear my clients say. Parents, all over have their hearts broken because they feel the closeness, they once had with their child get further and further away.  Well, today we are going to talk about how to reconnect with your son or daughter to build a stronger bond.

 

Hello. My name is Kristina Campos, founder of The Impactful Parent. I help parents of school aged children turn their chaos into connection with their adolescence. I am a mom of 4 kids, a teacher that has taught every grade from pre-school to high school, and today I help moms and dads, like yourself, to navigate the exhausting, confusing, frustrating, and rewarding world of parenting. WELCOME TO THE IMPACTFUL PARENT!

Are you looking to rebuild and strengthen the bond with your child? Whether you’ve drifted apart over time or have faced challenges in your relationship, taking steps to reconnect is crucial. In this article, we will explore 5 effective strategies for rebuilding a stronger bond with your child.

How to reconnect with your son or daughter #1

Exam Your Communication: Figure out where your communication breaks down. To do this, write down what YOUR communication to your son or daughter for one full day. DO NOT write how she responds. You are only writing what you are communicating to your child. Your documentation might look something like:

1. At 8am I said good morning.
2. At 8:15 I asked her if she finished her homework last night
3. At 8:30 She asked me if she could go to a friend’s house after school and I said no.

Many times, we discover how often we are nagging our children, saying no to their requests, or only communicating in a transactional way.

If this is the case for you too, here are some tips to move from unwanted communication to a form of communication that your child will be more open to hearing.

If you are nagging too much, try using other forms of communication to get those reminders and messages across. Use sticky notes in their bathroom mirror. Use a sticky not on their car steering wheel. Text them your message. Have a relative call your child to say hello and relay your message for you. Be creative with your communication.

If you find that you are always saying NO to your child’s requests, try coupling your no with a yes. What I mean is, for every no you give your child, give them a yes answer too. It will look something like this.

“I am sorry you can’t go hang out with your friends today after school because we already have plans but ask your friend if they could meet up with you tomorrow after school instead.

And if you find most of your communication is transactional (and this happens all the time for several reasons but the most common I see is because the parent doesn’t want to rock the boat and start an argument so they keep things transactional so that not to stir up emotions in their teen. No matter what the reason for being transactional may be, make it a point to give your child a compliment on their character (not their appearance) for each transactional comment you make. It may sound like this, “We are eating dinner at 5pm. I am making spaghetti. And I noticed you have been on your phone with friends a lot lately. They are lucky to have such a loyal and dedicated friend like you.

Lastly, HOW you talk to your child matters. Many parents get into the habit of talking down to their kids without even realizing they are doing it. Parents are quick to yell at their kids when they don’t comply also. Be aware of HOW you talk to your child. This is also extremely important. Every time you see your son or daughter, try, and frame your speech like you are talking to a colleague at work. You don’t automatically criticize or yell at our colleagues so quickly when they mess up at work, and you need to give your child the same type of patient.

How you communicate with your child matters a lot and I encourage parents to really focus on their communication first. This isn’t as easy as it seems. You will need to take intentional efforts to change how you talk to your child, but this is an effort worth making and a strong first step to rebuilding a bond.

How to reconnect with your son or daughter #2

Create a Safe Space for open and honest conversations. By expressing empathy and understanding, you can bridge any gaps that may exist between you, but many parents turn honest conversations into a lecture. Yep, a lecture. Most parents see their child telling them about their troubles, stories about the horrible girl in their class or frustrations about academics into an opportunity to TEACH their child how to manage the situation. NO. Do not give any advice to your child unless she asks! Kids need to vent, and they want their parents just to listen. Period. So do that. Just listen.

How to reconnect with your son or daughter #3

Spend quality time together. This can involve engaging in activities that both of you enjoy, such as taking walks, cooking, or even just having a movie night. By carving out dedicated time for one another, you can create lasting memories and build a stronger connection. The two mistakes most parents make when trying to create quality time together are.

1. They do what they want to do and not what the child wants to do. You must find an activity that your child is on board with and not something you “think they are on board with.” Make sure this is an activity that your child can get excited about.
2. They invite others to join. Quality time does not have to be long if it is one-on-one and no one else is around. That is what quality time is. Your attention is 100 on your child. This means, no spouses, no friends, and no siblings allowed during the quality time.

How to reconnect with your son or daughter #4

Cultivate trust and respect within your relationship. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and it requires consistent effort to maintain. By being dependable, honest, and respectful, you can lay the groundwork for a stronger bond with your son or daughter. How do we do this? You mean what you say and say what you mean. You show up for your child whenever they need you. You aren’t late to their games or picking them up. You don’t talk about them to other people. You follow through with your word.

How to reconnect with your son or daughter #5

Unresolved conflicts: Past conflicts or unresolved issues can create lingering resentment or tension in the relationship. It’s important to address and resolve these conflicts to move forward and rebuild trust. To do this, see episode 208 of the Impactful Parent called How to Mend a Relationship.

Remember that creating bonds, cultivating trust, and building your relationship will not happen overnight. You must be consistent, and you must be patient with this process. I highly recommend creating a journal where you can write down small wins of each day. Without this kind of journal, it is very easy to feel defeated and frustrated with progress. Our brains can’t add up all the small improvements very well. Instead, we are conditioned to look at the negative. So, keep a little pad of paper by your bed and write down the wins of the day as much as possible. Then when you’re feeling frustrated you have a concrete and visible affirmation that shows you are building your relationship little by little.

 

Also, don’t be surprised if you start implementing these 5 tips and your child doesn’t change their attitude or behavior for a while. It will take your child to see your constant and vigilant attempts to change the culture of your relationship for at least a few weeks, (even a month) before they will start to believe in your dedication and start to change themselves. Continue to implement these 5 strategies and don’t give up!

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Thank you for joining me today. Remember that this episode is just a small part of what the Impactful Parent offers. Also available are online courses, parent support groups, coaching services, and the Impactful Parent app! Find out more by going to theimpactfulparent.com

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But until next time, you got this, parents. I am just here to help.