Elementor #9371

Welcome, impactful parents.Today, I am just doing one of those off the fly podcasts for you as it’s summer, and summer is so freaking busy.Am I right?Oh my goodness, it’s just everything you can just to keep your head above water, and I have just- have come to the conclusion a long time ago that during the summer months, I just can’t expect to get anything done.And so, I just stopped trying and putting up too much expectations, that way I’m not disappointed.It also allows me to enjoy my kids more.So, here we are with this podcast, and what I wanna talk about today is the adolescent years and the parenting that it takes in those adolescent years to be successful.’Cause I’ve really been thinking about this a lot lately.For whatever reason, I’ve had several clients just come around this particular topic of, “How do I get my child to listen to me?How do I get to them to create that connection with me?Because I’m missing that kid that I used to know.”It just seems to be so much of the common theme.”Where did my kid go?”And the problem is that parents continue to parent the same way that they have always parented before, because that worked, that’s what they knew, but their child is growing, and then their child is changing, and I don’t know, we as parents expect not to change?course we have to change, right?We have to change with our kid.And I think, uh, the conundrum comes with, “Well, wh- what do I do?How do I change?Where does that shift come in?”And so, I think that a lot of parents think, “Well, they either have to get stricter and start being a lot more vigilant,” or some parents take the other extreme and then they start to be a lot more like, “I wanna be your friend, and we’re gonna be buddies,” and you know, they open their house to, uh, even their kids parties because they’re trying to be the cool parent, and both parents are trying their hardest, but where does the real connection happen?Where does the real magic of how you should be shifting in your parenting really happen?And that’s what I wanna talk about today in our podcast.So, hold on impactful parents, let’s go ahead and get started.really feel like in these adolescent years, there’s a s- like five different things that I feel are really important for parents to keep in the forefront of their goals in their parenting.One of ’em is, still, holding boundaries.The adolescent years need that.Another thing that I need parents to focus on is values.What values do you want to pass down to your kid?Because now, now is the time that you actually have to talk the talk and walk the walk in your values.You are beyond the time when you can just tell your kid something and they just accept you for your word on it, and they’re like, “Oh, okay,” and then they just love that and do whatever it is that you want.You’re beyond that.So, in order to really instill values, you have to walk the walk now.And we’ll get more into that later.So, you’re gonna be holding boundaries, that was number one.Number two, you’re gonna be instilling values.I think the third thing I wanna keep parents top of mind is being present and available as much as possible.I think that’s super important.I think the fourth thing, um, parents need to concentrate on is consistency.Consistency in everything that they do.And again, we’re gonna talk about each one of these five, um, areas.And the last one is working on that connection.Truly working on that connection.So, let’s dive in a little bit with each one of these.I want to preface this by saying that as our child gets older, we lose so much control, and I’ve said this time and time again, that we don’t really even have control anymore.And I think that the sooner you kind of accept that as a parent, the easier it becomes to- to parent sometimes, because a weight can be lifted from your shoulders.You don’t have control anymore.The only thing that you have is influence, okay?Your child is going to do what they wanna do because they are becoming independent, they are their own separate people, and they have their own minds.Now, you can make their life so miserable by, let’s say, taking away their phone or not letting them go out with their friends, that they choose to comply with you just because they wanna make their own life easier and you might hold a lot of the cards, but they’re still choosing to comply.So, don’t be misled thinking that you have control, and if you can let go of that control and instead flo- focus on the influence that you need to create within the relationship you have with your child, that is where the magic happens.So, as your child gets older, because you don’t have control, there is a lot less correcting happening in your discipline.Before, when they were little, “No, don’t do that,” and you know, you give ’em a little verp slap on the hand, or whatever it is you do and- and you correct them, but now, they know right from wrong.They make bad choices still, but you’re more wanting them to learn from their choice and grow from that, and not just correct their path.There’s a lot more to it.The game of parenting just got a lot more complicated.And yeah, it really is that deep.So, that’s where a lot of this shift happens.All right.Let’s go and talk about these five a little bit more consistently so you have an idea of what I’m talking about.The first one, holding boundaries.All right.Well, when you’re holding boundaries, this is gonna be really important because they need to know where the boundaries are.Teenagers are kind of boundary-less individuals.They tend to be wild and spontaneous.They don’t have any frontal lobe fully developed, so they wanna think off the top of their head and go with what feels right.These beings are emotional, and man, do they let their emotions run their brain, right?And if they’re going to do that, that means boundaries seem nonexistent to the emotional brain.Think about when you love somebody or when you first fall in love.Like, you would do anything for that person, you literally become crazy when you first fall in love, ’cause there’s so much there and you just don’t even know what to do with yourself.Um, yeah, it’s very, very similar to that, where you’re overwhelmed with so much that you need bumpers in order not to get too sidetracked, and that’s what parents do.We hold the boundaries.Now, along those same lines, because our children are so overly emotional, one of the shifts we need to make in our parenting in order to be successful to an adolescent, uh, individual is we have to start managing our own emotional reactions, and this is huge.Yelling and screaming at our young child may have been very, very efficient and worked really well, because you got your child to get scared or they wanted to people please you and they obviously saw that you were upset and, and they’ll change their behavior.But again, these beings, these young people are changing, and what were- used to work in the past does not work anymore.They are so out of control in their own emotions, they will just come right back at you with the same type of emotional charge, and even more, right?They’ll up the ante on you.Even more important that we become so manageable with our own emotions, that we can control our reactions, and this is pivotal so that we can keep a good relationship with our child.Because yelling matches, we all know there’s nobody who’s gonna win in that.There’s nothing that becomes better in the relationship because you guys screamed louder at each other.You need less yelling in order to effectively influence an adolescent in a way that’s positive.So, consider that’s one of the shifts we need to make.Um, let’s go ahead and talk about the second one, values, a little bit.Wanna focus in this adolescence year, years, the instilling of your values.When the kids were small, we just, we told them, we did, you know, we read them bedtime stories, we read books to them and things, but now it’s time to walk that walk and talk the talk.Our teenagers no longer learn from us by what we say, which is why the lecture really is also not that effective.Instead, they learn by either them doing it for themselves and figuring it out on their own, ’cause that’s what they like to do, or by watching you and then testing it out on their own.They literally will watch you.They watch all their environment, all the adults in their, um, little hemisphere, right, in how they act, in how, how do they solve problems, what do they do when something upsets them, you know?Uh, you know, is it appropriate to yell, is it to scream, or do we cry, orThey are constantly, even on a subconscious level, looking for feedback on what is the best way for them to react.So, values are the same.Where should I hold my values?What do I sh- think is important?What works for other people and what doesn’t work for other people?And here we have to walk the walk and talk the talk.If we want our kids to be Christians, then we need to start acting like we’re Christians in front of them so they can see what that actually looks like.If you want your child to be a really, really good person and do volunteer work and that’s part of your values, then you need to take them to go do volunteer work with you and show them that you do volunteer work on your own.It’s not rocket science, and yet we always forget this.Instead, we wanna be like, “Oh no, do what I say, not as I do.”It’s not working anymore.That’s one of the strategies you have to put to the side as your child grooves into the adolescent years.But all this brings me to the third thing that I wanted parents to concentrate in the adolescent years and that’s being present and available.Now I understand it feels like you’re losing your child and that you are just going out of your mind with sadness because you’re experiencing that your child is distancing away from you.But yeah, you’re not going crazy.That is happening, but that’s supposed to happen.Your child is forming their separate identity.They are learning how to be themselves outside of you and outside of the family.They are learning how to be them and s- we know this but it feels so heart-wrenching when they start to isolate or not wanna be around us and doesn’t wanna hang out with us anymore and doesn’t wanna do the family game night.But I’m telling you that your child needs you and they need you to walk that walk with them.They need you.It may feel like they don’t, but they absolutely do.And this is one of the misconceptions is that our teenagers are pushing us away.Physically and emotionally they are pushing us away so that they can figure out who they are b- on their own.But what they’re doing is exactly the opposite of what they really need and that is us to be around.So, be around.And being around is not being on top of them.Being around is not being annoying.Being around is not even, you know, having to do something with them every single day.It’s literally being present.I think one of the mistakes that parents make is that they just don’t make themselves available.They feel like their child is so self-sufficient and they’re so responsible and they can do things all on their own and they’re so proud of their independent kid that they go off and they spend more time at work or maybe they go and try to, you know, live some, do some other things without their kids, more adventures or whatever they need to do and they leave their child behind because they’re so proud of their independent child.Problem is, they left their child.And yes, you can leave your child every so often, but in general you want to be present and available.If anybody who’s had teenagers in the past is listening to this right now, they’re going to be sh- nodding their head with me when I say that teenagers will wanna talk to you at the most inconvenient time possible.They will snub you all fricking day long and then the time that they actually start knocking on your door, it is usually late at night when you’re exhausted and you’re done with your day or at the most inconvenient time that you can possibly imagine.And it- it’s so frustrating.Um, but you need to show up during that time because that’s when they need you and it may be over something that’s not very significant in your own world, but it’s really significant in their world and that’s when they need you.So you need to be present.Be a phone call away at the very least but try to actually physically be present.I think one of the best things that a lot of parents do with the shift between the younger years and the adolescent years is just checking in with their kid on the daily.Parents who check in with their kids on the daily, daily, no matter how busy and hectic their day, their day is, or if they’re traveling or not traveling, they have better relationships.It’s just a check-in but it’s saying, “I’m here and I’m available to you if you need to talk,” and be that consistently.Which brings me to that 4th thing that we need to do as parents during this particular time in their lives, is we have to be consistent.We have to be consistent with our boundaries.We have to be consistent with our values.We have to be consistent in when we are present and available in everything we do, because consistency means predictability for our kids and pred- predictability means safety.That is the secret sauce of when your child’s in trouble and they need help.If you are consistent and they know exactly how you’re gonna react, and you have managedYou can manage your emotions so that you’re not gonna overly scream and yell at them, guess who they’re going to call in the middle of the night when they need help?It’s not gonna be the screaming parent.It’s not gonna be the parent that’s gonna go out the handles.They’d rather take the chances on their own and possibly get into more hurt, pain, and trouble than deal with a parent that they cannot predict how they’re going to react and what they’re going to do.So, be consistent.Be that pred- predictable, safe parent for your child.So important.So, so, uh, so important.Um, and again, just in everything you do, trying to be consistent.And then that last piece that I want parents to focus on as they grow their adolescent children is connection.Literally making it an active thing in what you do nearly every day is something to create a connection with your child.And I like to tell parents and my clients that, you know, you need at least 15 minutes every day one-on-one with each kid.That’s the goal.And it’s not an extravagant goal.15 minutes with each child that you chose to have.That’s what they need at a minimum so that you can create a connection with this kid.But creating a connection goes beyond spending time with them.It’s, it’s so much more, right?It’s the long game of parenting.Connection is holding the values and being present and being consistent and showing up for them.And, you know, course correcting whenif they need it.Uh, you know, if they’re asking for help to being there, connection is saying, “I will sit here with you and play this video game even though I don’t want to and I don’t even give a crap about video games.”You know, connection is doing something that your child wants to do.And so many parents make the mistake of doing things that they wanna do, that they think their child wants to do, instead of actually doing what their child wants to do.So, watch out for that.I know, I have a lot of parents that are just like, “Well, what about discipline?Going back to holding boundaries and my adolescent, and how do you do this?And rmm, rmm, rmm, because they’re not listening to me.”Okay.It’s a long game.And let’s talk about when your child’s in trouble, just to wrap up this podcast.When your child m- messes up, instead of beingaccusing them, just describe what you see.This is how itthe shift in the parenting really changes with discipline, because I think it’s one of the biggest areas that needs to shift, right?You cannot spank and time out your teenager the same way you did your toddler, and yet we feel like we have to.So, what do we do?We ground them.We just call it something different, okay?Um, and that’s where parents get stuck, is during the discipline part of all of that.So, I’m gonna tell you what to do.When your child messes up, describe what you see, okay?Not what you think it means, but actually describe what you see.So, don’t say things like, “You’re being disrespectful.”You know?Or, “Oh my goodness, you haven’t taken out the trash yet?Why are you being lazy?”Or, “You’re being lazy.”Okay?Or maybe you’re inferring that maybe they don’t care.Those are your predictions.Back it up, parents.Describe what you see when your child messes up.So, don’t say, “You are being disrespectful.”Instead, say something like, “You’re raising your tone to me and you’re getting very loud.”You know?Or, “You’re saying things now that I don’t know if you mean, it appears.”You know?Or you’re- you’re describing the situation.If they’re being lazy or you feel like they’re being lazy, describe the situation.”You’re not getting up until 11:00 A.M.and then I don’t even see you and you’re not taking a sh- and you’re not taking a shower until, like, 2:00 and it’s been, like, 2 days in a row now.”Describe what you see.Then when you finish describing their behaviors and you’ve said it out loud, start asking questions.This is where we have to get curious as parents, even though we think we know the answer.So, start asking questions about what they did.You know?You’re not telling them what they did wrong anymore.That’s not going to work.You can’t say, “You got home late,” and then that stops them from getting home late the way th- y- you maybe used to in the past.Okay?Or, “You shouldn’t have done that.”Instead, you’ve got to get your child to say what they did wrong out loud for themselves.They’re independent little beings.They need to own it.And you telling them is just talking at them.It doesn’t resonate as those words just go whoomp, bounce right off their chest and come right off into the air.Nothing happens.Instead, you’re trying to pull out the information from them, so you describe their behavior and then you get curious.You know?”Do you have a reason why you woke up so late and we didn’t see you and you haven’t showered?”You know?Uh, “Did- is there something that happened?”You know?”Is there something going on in your life?What do you- what do you think, uh, the consequences are because you woke up at 11:00?Do you know that there are consequences?”You know, you’re- you’re not gonna- the- you know, “Will you be hungry because you missed breakfast?Maybe you’re not hungry.Maybe you don’t care about breakfast.”But you start asking questions and you pull that information out.Remember that when you’re trying to get your child to learn from their mistakes, that’s the objective, getting them to learn from their mistakes.This is not about proving that you are right.It has nothing to do with that anymore.You need to prove to your child that you are reliable instead.That is the goal.Not that you’re right.That when they make a mistake, that you will be there to help them figure out a better choice for next time, learn from their errors, and not scream and yell at them.You need to be reliable.See, listen up, parents, you need to prove to them that you love them no matter what.You need to prove to your child that even when they make really bad choices, that you’re still gonna be right there, that you’re still gonna be present, that you still love them, that you’ll still help them work it through.And guess what?Yelling at your child doesn’t do that.And yelling at them makes them feel like they’re very unloved.See, yelling at your child when you’re angry is a normal reaction.But it’s not a productive one.And that’s why we want to eliminate that if we can.So instead, your child needs to know that you can handle the parts of them that feel out of control inside their body.And your child needs to know that you can handle the parts of them that they know they messed up on and they feel ashamed about.And the way to do that, it’s not passive parenting.It’s very, very active parenting of holding boundaries, demonstrating our values by walking the walk and talking the talk ourselves, by being present and available as much as we possibly can.And just present, just around, not on top of them.We need to be as consistent as possible to create a space that is predictable and therefore feels safe to them.And lastly, we need to actively work on the connection with our child, because we don’t have any control.Instead, we got influence.I hope that makes sense for everybody today.You are an impactful parent.I’m just here to help.