What children Need//Three core foundations that children must fill to be their best selves.
Is your teen acting out? Does your child seem anxious? Maybe you feel that your child is starting to pull away from you emotionally? Acting out, anxiety, and pulling away can be signs that your child isn’t feeling secure in their primary needs. What are their fundamental needs? Security, Acceptance, and Power. So before you yell at your child for the twentieth time for not listening, watch this video / read this article and consider if their behavior is stemming from their primary needs not being met.
What children need #1: Security. If your child is not feeling secure, their natural instincts will pull them into a fight or flight mode. This often comes out as either withdrawing from people and hiding in their rooms or becoming more aggressive and acting out. However, as parents, we need to understand that children crave a sense of security beyond feeling physically safe. Children are also looking for security in love. Kids will start to test your love to see if they can genuinely be “secure” with you. Will you love them through thick and thin? Will you love them if they don’t agree with your ways? Will you love them if they aren’t the perfect straight-A student? Children want to know that your love is secure and rooted in WHO they are and NOT what they do. This brings us to #2….
What Children Need
What children need #2: Acceptance. Your child wants to be seen for their authentic self and accepted for that person. This is especially important to teenagers who are discovering who they are and are trying on different “hats” to see what fits them best. They want to know that you, as their parent, will accept them for whoever they choose to become. They want their parents to look beyond their choices, their grades, their choice of friends, their music and truly accept them for who they are inside.
What children need #3: Power. As your child gets older, they want to know that they matter. They want to feel they can have influence and that their existence has a place in the world. People need to feel a sense of purpose. Growing adults need to know that they have an impact on others and that someone would miss them if they were gone. This fundamental need is rooted in having a sense of power. They matter in the world and they are not powerless in their environment.
So what can we do to help our children fill these three fundamental needs and improve their behaviors? Here is a list of suggestions.
- Provide Stability. A consistent schedule, predictable consequences, and known boundaries.
- Don’t overreact. If your child knows you’re going to freak out or get overly angry about their actions, you are sending them the message that you might not accept them. They need you to separate your feelings for their choices away from the person that they are.
- Words of Affirmation. Acknowledge their personality attributes. Continue to tell them that you love them no matter what. Let them express themselves, make their own choices, and affirm that their voice matters. Let them contribute to family decisions.
There are many other ways to reinforce their basic needs. Leave your recommendations in the comments below!
Need something else to help you build a connection with your child? At The Impactful Parent website, I offer a FREE 30 Day challenge to connect with your child! Each day I give you a question to ask your child(ren) to prompt conversation and build relationships. The questions are sent directly to your inbox. It couldn’t be more easy or convenient! To learn more, click here.
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